I was asked recently by a reader about what questions work when coaching someone who is scared to do something, and what questions work to find out what they are scared of, and not to be scared, and also what questions work to get them moving again when they are in "can't" mode.
Where do you go when you have a coachee with any of the issues above?
First of all, I'd start at how you know that they are scared. Have they specifically told you? What language are they using or is it behaviours, or body language that you are noticing?
The language of the level of fear is important - and do use the language that they are using and reflect back. It's important to use the clients language so you don't misrepresent their perception of the effect this is having for them. For instance, if the client refers to being scared and you use terrified, then this may escalate the fear and stop any action at all!
It also depends on what the situation is that they are scared of taking action in relation to, and whether it is a coaching issue or one which may require counselling or another support profession (Coaching Ethics and Standards)
A review of some of the Coaching Core Competencies can be a useful way to reflect and review on strategies you can use with a client
Also I'd be aware of where you are in the relationship with the client. Have you established a good Coaching Agreement and Trust with the client through rapport building, or is this an early session? This may depend on what you bring out in the coaching and how you do it - you'll know your client the best. In relation to this, what will help make the space you have in the coaching session safe for the client to enable them to move past being scared/ fear of action and into exploration and making the commitment to act?
You also need to be Present with the client. What goals did they come to you to work on, and how does this fear/ scaredness to take action impact on these goals?
I find a good way to explore issues like this that you either specifically hear from the client because of the words that they are using or pick up through beliefs, "could/ should's" etc or body language is to simply share what you are observing or noticing, if that is appropriate. This can be a good way to help Raise awareness - For example, a question may be
"I am noticing that you talked about being scared to move on - can you explain to me a bit more about that?" This will help you to open out the conversation to find out what level the fear is at and what will help get the client moving again. Part of your role as coach may be then to reflect back and summarise what you hear to help your client gain a new perspective on the situation.
Another great tip I had shared by my own coach Francine Kaye was to work through safely (with the clients permission) what the worst that could happen is and how the client could mitigate these situations. If I take an example I was coached through myself about losing my job because of performance, I was able to see that this was not a realistic fear anyway, and that even if the worst cycle of events happened, I was still able to bounce back (Note - know your client and how they may react before you work with this to ensure that this is a safe coaching intervention)
A more positive and future focused way is Solutions Focused Coaching. Take the client out into the future to imagine what they will feel like when they have done what they wanted to. What will they feel, what will they say, and will others say, and what will be different from where they are today? From here you can help them think about what very small fairy steps they need to take to move forwards one element at a time. You can also help them think about where they may already have small elements of the solution from work or situations that they have handled before.
The whole aim here is to help the client feel safe as they move through a space of transition. As a Coach you can support them as accountability partner and also through the safety of the coaching space.
If you were focusing on questions that enabled insight you may ask
"What if a friend was in this situation, what would you tell them?"
"Where felt scared about doing something before, and then it's worked out well?"
If you were challenging assumptions you may ask something like
"What are you assuming about doing xxx? How do you know that is true?"
"What if you knew you couldn't fail - what would be different and allow you to move forwards?"
Designing Actions - You may need to re-contract through the session to re-focus on what the client would like to take away in relation to being able to take the next step and feel readily committed to it. As well as this, you may need to put more time into the Options and Will Stage of the GROW model - working with the client to explore different ways to achieve the goal and to feel good about it, how to boost commitment and confidence with the goal, and how you can best support the client as they take action.
My best advice is to know your client through building up a good relationship with them and learn to trust yourself in relation to how you coach and what questions may add value. And check in with your client throughout the session to check you are on track.
Suggested Actions:
Reflect on situations you may have had in your own coaching, or own life where you have felt scared about taking the next step. What helped you to move on? What questions would feel natural to ask, given that knowledge?
Have issues like this yourself? One of the best ways to explore situations which arise with clients is to work with a coach supervisor on a regular basis (at least once a month). Contact me to find out more about working with me one to one as your coach supervisor.
